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2014 Oscar Nominee Predictions

15 Jan

Best Picture:

Oscar

(via oscars.org)

The Wolf of Wall Street

Could Be Nominated Because: It’s fuckin’ Scorsese.

Won’t Be Nominated Because: Movies involving quaaludes historically do not get nominated for Best Picture (Sorry, Almost Famous, for bringing back bad memories).

Her

Could Be Nominated Because: It’s the first movie that has made technology sexy since Bicentennial Man.

Won’t Be Nominated Because: Those high-waisted pants.

The Croods

Could Be Nominated Because: It’s the Citizen Kane of caveman based animated films.

Won’t Be Nominated Because: It’s the only near lock on this list.

42

Could Be Nominated Because: The Academy owes it to the number community.

Won’t Be Nominated Because: The nominations are announced too close to MLK Day, so it won’t be nominated to avoid confusion between the two African American heroes.

Pain & Gain

Could Be Nominated Because: Michael Bay has threatened to give swirlies to every member of The Academy.

Won’t Be Nominated Because: Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson was suspended for the entire 2014 MLB season.

R.I.P.D

Could Be Nominated Because: That sweet Macklemore song in the trailer.

Won’t Be Nominated Because: Jeff Bridges has exhausted every bit of good will The Academy has given him.

Last Vegas

Could Be Nominated Because: Each of the lead actors gives the best performance of their careers.

Won’t Be Nominated Because: Old men are gross.

47 Ronin

Could Be Nominated Because: The trailer looked kind of cool.

Won’t Be Nominated Because: It’s a terrible movie.

Grudge Match

Could Be Nominated Because: Answers the age old questions of “What if they made Rocky Balboa but hilarious?”

Won’t Be Nominated Because: It was written by the guy who created Entourage.

Best Director:

Steve McQueen – 12 Years a Slave

Could Be Nominated Because: The Academy think the famous tough guy actor has resurrected from the dead and directed a film.

Won’t Be Nominated Because: The Academy found out that it was just some dude and not the famous tough guy actor who has resurrected from the dead.

Michael Bay – Pain & Gain

Could Be Nominated Because: See above

Won’t Be Nominated Because: Bullying is a huge issue in America.

Tyler Perry – Temptation: Confessions of a Marriage Counselor

Could Be Nominated Because: He’s due.

Won’t Be Nominated Because: Years of shoving Madea down our throats.

Kirk DeMicco & Chris Sanders – The Croods

Could Be Nominated Because: It’s the best movie of the year.

Won’t Be Nominated Because: No chance in hell.

Roman Coppola – A Glimpse Inside the Mind of Charles Swan III

Could Be Nominated Because: Every decade a new Coppola has to be nominated for Best Director.

Won’t Be Nominated Because: Sofia Coppola threw a shit fit when Roman was nominated for Best Original Screenplay, and The Academy does not want that again.

Best Actor:

Leonardo DiCaprio in The Wolf of Wall Street as Jordan Belfort

Could Be Nominated Because: We finally got to see what we wanted all these years: A candle up Leo’s ass.

Won’t Be Nominated Because: Not enough cocaine abuse.

Nicolas Cage in The Croods as Grug Crood

Could Be Nominated Because: It was a vocal tour de force.

Won’t Be Nominated Because: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JMp8aDH8d9M

Chadwick Boseman in 42 as Jackie Robinson

Could Be Nominated Because: To anger and confuse 12 Years a Slave fans.

Won’t Be Nominated Because: All of the voters were big fans of the New York Giants.

Arjun Kapoor in Aurangzeb as Ajay / Vishal

Could Be Nominated Because: I guess he was good.

Won’t Be Nominated Because: Full disclosure: We copied and pasted the wrong guy and movie.

Ashton Kutcher in Jobs as Steve Jobs

Could Be Nominated Because: The telecast needs to bring in the 17 year old girl with bad taste in men demographic.

Won’t Be Nominated Because:  We’re not 100% sure that Jobs actually was a real movie.

Best Actress:

Ashley Tisdale in Scary Movie 5 as Jody Sanders

Could Be Nominated Because: We finally get to see a good role for a woman.

Won’t Be Nominated Because: There’s no any performance in this film could live up to Anna Faris’ in Scary Movie 4.

Amy Adams in American Hustle as Sydney Prosser

Could Be Nominated Because: All that side boob.

Won’t Be Nominated Because: Hey! Pick an accent!

Sandra Bullock in Gravity as Dr. Ryan Stone

Could Be Nominated Because: The Academy likes seeing a woman in peril.

Won’t Be Nominated Because: Ryan Stone is a boys name.

Sarah Wright in 21 & Over as Nicole

Could Be Nominated Because: She holds her own next to the legend, Miles Teller.

Won’t Be Nominated Because: No one knew this movie has a woman in it.

Emma Stone in The Croods as Eep Crood

Could Be Nominated Because: The Croods can not be stopped.

Won’t Be Nominated Because: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=617MBLj9MSE

Best Supporting Actor:

RZA in G.I Joe: Retaliation as Blind Master

Could Be Nominated Because: The Academy snubbed him for his lived-in performance in Funny People.

Won’t Be Nominated Because: The Kodak Theatre does not has enough seats for the entire Wu-Tang Clan.

Barkhad Abdi in Captain Phillips as Abduwali Muse

Could Be Nominated Because: He’s a first time nominee who delivered a smashing performance.

Won’t Be Nominated Because: Some of the older voters think that he was a real Somali pirate.

Rob Schneider in InAPPropriate Comedy as Psychologist

Could Be Nominated Because: Hollywood needs to keep this comedy legend relevant.

Won’t Be Nominated Because: Vince “The ShamWow Guy” directed this movie.

Jared Leto in Dallas Buyers Club as Rayon

Could Be Nominated Because: Many of the voters are huge 30 Seconds to Mars fans.

Won’t Be Nominated Because: This  movie wasn’t as good as Tootsie

Ryan Reynolds in The Croods as Guy

Could Be Nominated Because: He had a huge year with both R.I.P.D and The Croods being released and critically lauded.

Won’t Be Nominated Because: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JAI67yP1K0

Best Supporting Actress:

Oprah Winfrey in The Butler as Gloria Gaines

Could Be Nominated Because: The middle aged housewife voting block of The Academy is strong.

Won’t Be Nominated Because: No one gave a shit about this film.

Kim Kardashian in Temptation: Confessions of a Marriage Counselor as Ava

Could Be Nominated Because: Bound 2 video

Won’t Be Nominated Because: Bound 3 video

June Squibb in Nebraska as Kate Grant

Could Be Nominated Because: She had an affair with the President of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, Cheryl Boone Isaacs

Won’t Be Nominated Because: TMZ reports that Squibb broke it off with Cheryl Boone Isaacs recently due to a “cunnilingus incident.”

Heather Graham in The Hangover Part III as Jade

Could Be Nominated Because: She can finally receive recognition for being the moral center of the Hangover series.

Won’t Be Nominated Because: I’m pretty sure no member of The Academy saw this movie.

C. C. H. Pounder in The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones as Madame Dorothea

Could Be Nominated Because: I mean, it’s a pretty funny name to say. Just imagine her name being said during the telecast and try not to chuckle.

Won’t Be Nominated Because: She has yet to reveal what C.C.H means. And until she does SHE WILL WATCH THE OSCAR TELECAST FROM HOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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