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Tag Archives: SEC

Vanderbilt Maintains Controversial “Baby Seal Clubbing” Program

6 Sep

NASHVILLE — In the face of a turbulent controversy that is enveloping the school, Vanderbilt University has affirmed its commitment to the football program’s divisive “Baby Seal Clubbing” program.

A baby seal struggles in vain to escape from Jordan Matthews.

“Brutally pummeling adorable marine mammals is a proud tradition of our University’s vaunted football heritage,” read University Chancellor Nicholas Zeppos from a prepared statement, delivered at the steps of Kirkland Hall littered with bruised and beaten pinnipeds. “The physical and psychological abuse of these darling baby seals has been, and forever will be, an essential tenet at the core of what Vandy football is all about.”

Chancellor Zeppos’ comments arrived a day after a massive popular uprising against the program’s senseless and cruel beatings brought national attention to the Vanderbilt Commodore’s systematic perpetuation of violence against defenseless seal pups.

Vandy’s heinous acts have been condemned by a growing grassroots movement, coupled with support from celebrities like Michael Vick, the Dalai Lama, and Seal. The Democratic National Convention even kicked things off Thursday with a 5-minute montage of Senator Ted Kennedy’s speeches denouncing the practice of baby seal clubbing.

Although Vanderbilt head football coach James Franklin admitted, “Our football program has repeatedly abused scores of heartbreakingly cute baby seals to achieve excruciatingly limited success throughout our storied 124-381 all-time record in conference play,” the coach also cited scientific research concluding that, “If it’s a legitimate clubbing, the baby seal body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down.”

The coach then promptly dropped a 500-pound golden anchor on a still-writhing seal pup, jubilantly shouting “Anchor Down, motherfuckers!” as he walked away.

Coach Franklin celebrating Club a Baby Seal Day

Executive Committee Chair of the NCAA, Ed Ray, opened his investigation into the matter this morning. “Personally, I am horrified by the actions of the Vanderbilt University Football Program and its reckless and callous disregard of these freaking delightful baby seals. It has become obvious that the leadership failures at Vanderbilt over an extended period of time directly violated NCAA bylaws relating to integrity, ethical conduct, and the clubbing of baby seals,” said Mr. Ray.

“After considering all possible measures to address Vanderbilt’s reprehensible baby seal clubbing and ensure that the University rebuilds an athletic culture that went horribly awry,” continued Ray, “We finally realized that there was no possible means with which we could punish Commodore football in a way that would make them suck any more than they do now. Watching them get mercilessly rolled by Northwestern this Saturday seemed fitting enough.”

Reactions on Vanderbilt’s campus have been muted so far, although to be fair it’s hard to hear anything on campus beyond Toby Keith and self-delusion.

CLICK HERE to sign the petition to end the Vanderbilt University Football Program’s clubbing of baby seals.

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#GetFuckedVandy

5 Sep

Dear Vandy,

Get fucked.

Seriously. We mean it. From the 20 of us hanging around Evanston and the scores more waiting at home in Westchester for school to start, Wildcat nation would like to invite you to get fucked come this Saturday night.

Wipe that smile off your face and pay attention. We’re not talking about “getting fucked up,” so you can leave your Miller Chill and Croakies back with your Brad Paisley in that just-southern-enough-to-make-you-feel-uncomfortable city you call home.

No. Vandy, you’re going to get fucked so bad the University will have to change its nickname from the Commodores to the Rear Admirals.

When the lights come on at Ryan Field this weekend, prepare to get smoked by the Wildcats like it’s the U.S. News and World Report college rankings.

#SyracuseGotFucked

Don’t say we didn’t warn you when the Northwestern Stripes Wildcats roll through your defenses like General Sherman. I mean, let’s be honest here: Colter and Siemian are the most dangerous one-two combination the City of Nashville has faced since Major General George H. Thomas and Major General John Schofield kicked your ass in 1864.

Sure, Jordan Rodgers hooks up with Jordan Matthews more often than your frat brothers score with biddies in stupidly oversized hats. And yes, our defense has been known to Dukakis away a lead or two in the past. But at least our coach isn’t the biggest chauvinistic prick your school has produced since Jay Cutler, an impressive feat coming from a school like Vanderbilt.

When did being the doormat of the entire SEC allow for you to eschew all reason and presume you would not get entirely fucked this Saturday? If the robber baron founder of Vanderbilt University could conceivably win a douche-off against Northwestern’s genocide-apologist forebearer, is that really a good thing?

#GetFuckedVandy isn’t just a hashtag. It’s a promise. Venric Mark will annihilate you. Chi Chi Ariguzo will strangle you. Pat Fitzgerald will outman you and Kyle Prater will dickslap Al Gore just for good measure.

Get fucked Vandy.

Cordially,
Evander Jones

LIKE OUR FACEBOOK PAGE to sign our petition to stop the Vanderbilt University Football Team’s brutal clubbing of baby seals.

NCAA Reaffirms Commitment to Academic Integrity

24 Jul

Nothing at all like the rush of adrenaline you get from completing your Econ midterm.

In an unprecedented ruling that is sure to produce a sea-change in intercollegiate athletics for years to come, NCAA officials, coaches, and players acknowledged that college athletic programs have become dangerously large entities that threaten the values and integrity of their institutions.

“Football will never again be placed ahead of educating, nurturing and protecting young people,” said NCAA president Mark Emmert. “Which is why all NCAA athletic programs are voluntarily returning malignantly profitable sports like football and basketball to their proper status as amateur ventures.”

“We were all just kind of sitting around, trying to figure out how to properly punish Penn State for their culture of football reverence and blatant exploitation of a corrupt system to protect an enterprise bloated with big-time money,” continued Emmert, “And we were just like, ‘You know, this whole issue is really more a sign of an endemic problem throughout collegiate athletics. Who are we to wag our finger at Penn State for protecting a highly profitable venture while the SEC stands to make $300 million dollars in annual television earnings alone?'”

“I mean, amirite guys?” stressed Emmert. “So we just called up the top Division 1 athletic directors, and they were totally on-board with our plan to make sure all colleges and universities placed rigorous academic discipline, study, and success ahead of athletic victory. Because when you really think about it, what’s more valuable to these kids, a college degree from Boise State, or a Fiesta Bowl victory?”

Numerous coaches and players eagerly lent their support to the NCAA’s ruling.

“It’s high time we put the ‘student’ first in ‘student-athlete,'” concurred Nick Saban, head coach of the University of Alabama Crimson Tide football team, for approximately the 679,506th time in his life. “You know, just because I make ten times more per year than my school’s chancellor does not mean I am any less committed to ensuring that this institution focuses on the academic priorities of our students.”

According to Nebraska head coach Bo Pelini, “The University of Nebraska-Lincoln has always been a bastion of higher education and scholarly pursuits. I want my players to focus on their mental finesse much more than their physical prowess. And if [starting quarterback Taylor Martinez] just isn’t quite in form for kickoff against academic powerhouse Southern Miss because he spent too much time this summer reading Russian Literature and Margaret Atwood poetry instead of working out in the weight room, then I know I have succeeded, not just as a coach, but as a leader of young men.”

Players have responded favorably to Emmert’s ruling as well.

Heisman Trophy winner Cam Newton, for example, has already announced his desire to temporarily retire from professional football in order to complete his degree from Auburn University. “Not a day goes by,” admitted Newton, “That I don’t regret forgoing my senior year of college and instead signing a four-year contract worth a guaranteed $22 million dollars. Sure, that’s a lot of money, but just think about how happy I would be right now if I had cared less about a frivolous playground game and instead focused more intently on my Sociology major!”

Power forward Anthony Davis Jr., meanwhile, has turned down the New Orleans Hornets, who drafted him number one in the draft, so that he can pursue his more cerebral interests than defending the low post. “If there’s one thing coach John Calipari taught me at Kentucky, it’s that winning isn’t everything,” said Davis. “Calipari was always great and easy-going, insisting that there is a life beyond basketball and that we should pursue whatever interests us.

KD has also announced his decision to return and finish his college degree and finally finish watching every episode of Dr. Who.

“I mean, holy shit, I’m only 19! I’ve got my whole world ahead of me,” mused Davis. “I don’t need to pigeon-hole myself into the world of professional basketball. I think I’d really like to try other things, like maybe Teach for America or the Peace Corps. Or maybe backpacking through Europe before I start working on a doctoral thesis. Really get out and see the world, you know? Sports are only temporary, but your mind, your mind is for life.”

The effects of this paradigm shift in intercollegiate sports at the highest level are sure to have a deep and profound impact on college athletic programs as we know them. Analyst Lee Corso has already predicted that this will spark an unprecedented string of BCS bowl victories for schools like Northwestern, Notre Dame, and Stanford, while Jay Bilas is already beside himself looking forward to the rise of the Pomona Sagehends, Macalester Macs, and the Rhode Island School of Design Balls, who are sure to put together dynastic basketball programs thanks to their nationally respected culture of higher education.