EVANSTON, Ill.–In an embarrassing turn of events, a chapter within the Northwestern Greek life community—they have requested to remain anonymous—has admitted the door to a local freezer in an attempt to honor the age-old chill-to-pull system that has been a doctrine of fraternity culture since its invention in the early 20th century.
Tag Archives: brothers
Don’t say we didn’t warn you when the Northwestern Stripes Wildcats roll through your defenses like General Sherman. I mean, let’s be honest here: Colter and Siemian are the most dangerous one-two combination the City of Nashville has faced since Major General George H. Thomas and Major General John Schofield kicked your ass in 1864.
Ever since Northwestern started calling us more frequently than biddies desiring a triple-x throw down dial 1-800-MIX-A-LOT, we’ve been trying to come up with other uses of Northwestern’s Emergency Notification System to utilize when the system isn’t busy notifying students and parents every time that the Fiji brothers spike the water supply with acid. Possible ideas are as follows:
Power Trip Alert
The University needs to protect the physical and spiritual welfare of its students, which has been placed in grave danger by the number of p-trips rumbling through the northern suburbs. Expect emergency notifications whenever a Freshman correctly navigates his or her way through Tech, somebody accidentally takes Sherman Ave seriously, or every time Mayor Tisdahl wakes up in the morning. As if that would save you…
#GetFuckedVandy
5 Sep
Dear Vandy,
Get fucked.
Seriously. We mean it. From the 20 of us hanging around Evanston and the scores more waiting at home in Westchester for school to start, Wildcat nation would like to invite you to get fucked come this Saturday night.
Wipe that smile off your face and pay attention. We’re not talking about “getting fucked up,” so you can leave your Miller Chill and Croakies back with your Brad Paisley in that just-southern-enough-to-make-you-feel-uncomfortable city you call home.
No. Vandy, you’re going to get fucked so bad the University will have to change its nickname from the Commodores to the Rear Admirals.
When the lights come on at Ryan Field this weekend, prepare to get smoked by the Wildcats like it’s the U.S. News and World Report college rankings.
#SyracuseGotFucked
Sure, Jordan Rodgers hooks up with Jordan Matthews more often than your frat brothers score with biddies in stupidly oversized hats. And yes, our defense has been known to Dukakis away a lead or two in the past. But at least our coach isn’t the biggest chauvinistic prick your school has produced since Jay Cutler, an impressive feat coming from a school like Vanderbilt.
When did being the doormat of the entire SEC allow for you to eschew all reason and presume you would not get entirely fucked this Saturday? If the robber baron founder of Vanderbilt University could conceivably win a douche-off against Northwestern’s genocide-apologist forebearer, is that really a good thing?
#GetFuckedVandy isn’t just a hashtag. It’s a promise. Venric Mark will annihilate you. Chi Chi Ariguzo will strangle you. Pat Fitzgerald will outman you and Kyle Prater will dickslap Al Gore just for good measure.
Get fucked Vandy.
Cordially,
Evander Jones
LIKE OUR FACEBOOK PAGE to sign our petition to stop the Vanderbilt University Football Team’s brutal clubbing of baby seals.
Other Potential Uses for the NU Emergency Notification System
17 Jul
The Wanted are coming for Dillo Day!?
Regrettable Hookup Notification
If only there was somebody besides your wingwoman frantically gesticulating in the corner of the Keg to warn you that the dude currently grinding into your junk looks like a cross between Joakim Noah and a Ringwraith. But with the Regrettable Hookup Notification system sending you voicemails every five minutes to alert you that your potential hookup is a 5.5 or worse, your second cousin, or a mechanical engineer, you’ll never shamefully hookup with a Sherman Ave writer again!
Open Bar Bulletin
One of the few text-message forewarnings you’ll actually heed. North campus has been overrun with zombies after an electrical fire in Tech released them from captivity? Eh, text me when the moat is fixed. Free booze all night? I WANT TO GO TO THERE AND DRINK UNTIL I HAVE ALL THE ALKEHOLZ AND DANCE TO ALL THE ONE DIRECTIONZ AND OMIGOD I LUUUUUUVE WHISKEY SOURZZZ!!!
Racial Controversy Alarm
Sample University-authored alert messages include, “University Police report there is a racial controversy brewing in the basement of SAE,” “EMERGENCY UPDATE: Officials are currently working to prevent painful reminders of this nation’s sensitive racial history from surfacing in some of the most uncomfortable ways,” and “Please, for the love of God, can we just cool it with the blackface?”
Hot Cookie Bar Release
This communique serves multiple functions, both alerting undergraduates of the sexual release that is waiting for them in Hinman while simultaneously warning of the impending stampede of Freshman already lining up to indulge in sweet half-baked orgasmy goodness.
CA-dar
It may not take Freshmen too long to recalibrate their gaydars to Northwestern, but in the meantime their CA-dars will be woefully underdeveloped. For all those who haven’t already studied up, Northwestern should send out text messages, emails, and automated phone calls to all students and their parents whenever a CA suspects that the a cappella renditions of The Script’s “Breakeven” and the smell of Burnett’s escaping from underneath your door is grounds to disrupt your Wednesday night viewing of National Treasure 2 party.
Caution: Bitches be p-trippin’
The University needs to protect the physical and spiritual welfare of its students, which has been placed in grave danger by the number of p-trips rumbling through the northern suburbs. Expect emergency notifications whenever a Freshman correctly navigates his or her way through Tech, somebody accidentally takes Sherman Ave seriously, or every time Mayor Tisdahl wakes up in the morning. As if that would save you…
Sherman Ave 