James Franco Visits Northwestern, Possibly Forever

EVANSTON, IL—A&O Productions and Northwestern University announced yesterday that James Franco will visit campus Saturday as winter speaker, followed this year by an appearance as spring speaker, Dillo Day headliner, Blowout performer, and poetry professor.

Franco, an actor famed for his role in “Freaks and Geeks,” squinting, and his diverse creative talents, was A&O’s first choice for all of the positions.

“As soon as we saw how well students reacted to his poetry reading we knew Northwestern University needed more of James Franco,” said A&O spokeswoman Jeremiah Spunkleford, referencing the actor’s recent appearance at the Chicago Humanities Festival at Northwestern’s law school. “We’re grateful James Franco has been so cooperative with our move toward integrating him fully into the Northwestern experience.”

“We’re thrilled to announce there’s going to be more James Franco at Northwestern University,” continued Spunkleford. “A lot more.”

Franco’s upcoming appearances are scheduled for April as spring speaker, May 31 as the headlining musical act of the recently renamed Franco Day and again in October as the Fall Blowout headliner.

A&O productions, a group comprised of Northwestern students, is charged with procuring performers for its annual Northwestern campus events, including speakers, comedians and musical acts. A representative of A&O productions reported that the group was

A&O Productions Announces First Ever “2014 Anal Blowout”

EVANSTON, Il — Northwestern’s premier student event production company has announced a new 2014 Fall event: A&O Productions Presents– A Festive 2014 Anal Blowout. After thousands of students jovially mispronounced or misheard “A&O” as “Anal,” executive members on the A&O production team decided to bring students a gratifying show of anal blowing.

“Everyone was saying ‘We want an anal blowout’ or ‘Give me anal or give me death.’ We take our jobs very seriously. After understanding what our peers wanted, we came to a conclusion: if students ask for anal, we need to give it to them. Well, we specifically on the board don’t have to necessarily give them the physical act of anal. Um,” trailed off Byron Casper, the A&O Production’s chairman, as he began to scratch his neck and sweat profusely.

Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: A&O Blowout

This Friday, A&O (which stands for something, but literally no one knows what) is hosting a concert featuring a black musical act preceded by a white musical act that guy from Community, and some band that you don’t listen to, but that one girl from your dorm who ironically wears the same glasses as your grandpa listens to.  It’s at some time, probably at night.[1]  There will also be Morty Schapiro a special guest.  They actually do this concert every fall, they host it at our basketball arena (Welsh-Ryan), and they call it A&O Blowout.

The site of what will certainly be the greatest experience of the latter half of one of your Fridays.

Now, you’re a freshman, and the only concert experience you’ve ever had is that one time you went with your mom to see John Mayer and had to uncomfortably listen to her sing along with “Your Body is a Wonderland”.  You’re in college now, and after almost four weeks on campus you think you’ve pretty much got everything down pat.  So since there’s this concert being held very close to campus that’s like super cheap, you’re probably thinking, “fuck yeah, let’s go!”  And you should go.  Attending Blowout is a freshman rite-of-passage; you go your first year here, realize it’s kinda meh, and then never go again.[2]  That being said, it definitely doesn’t have to be meh; you can have a great time, as long as you know what to do and what to expect.  So let Sherman Ave fill you in with the deets.  You trust us, right?

BREAKING: Bruce Springsteen Not to Perform at A&O Blowout Just Like Fucking Last Year

The Boss, delivering an awe-inspiring show somewhere fucking other than Welsh-Ryan Arena.

EVANSTON, IL — Just like fucking last year, Rock and Roll icon and American legend Bruce Springsteen will not perform next month at A&O Blowout, University President Morton Schapiro announced during this morning’s freshman convocation.

The annual fall concert, which for yet another year will not feature the single greatest live performer that has ever graced God’s green Earth, will be held Oct. 12 at Welsh-Ryan Arena.

According to eyewitness accounts, the announcement was delivered by a visibly dejected President Schapiro.

“I had really been hoping to give this Class of 2016 something special. An unforgettable night of passionate heartland rock anthems dedicated to the unsung heroes of American life, coupled with soulful explorations of the vast and promising New Jersey night and delivered by the heart-stopping musical might that is the E-Street band,” read President Schapiro listlessly. “But now, just like so many goddamn years before, I have to sit here and say that instead of providing you with the most mind-blowing concert experience of your lives, those douchemuffins at A&O went out and got a past-his-prime hip hop artist and some fucking indie taint band who play that one song that was covered on Glee.”

Added Schapiro, “Fuck me.”

Although archival research indicates that although A&O Productions claims to bring top-notch large-scale programming since its inception in 1969, not once have they fucking brought Bruce Springsteen to perform at A&O Blowout. The student group has come under increased pressure ever since failing to bring Prince and the Revolution to the 2007 A&O Spring Ball.

Childish Gambino will headline this year’s show, which will be noticeably void of The Boss’s manically energetic stage presence, poignant lyrics chronicling the faith and disappointment engendered by the American dream, or crotch-first power slides.

What You’re Really Doing at College

What students do in between live sex demonstrations or producing Chet Haze’s next record

College: The Pinnacle of Higher Education. Years of hard-work, civic involvement, and awkward loneliness have brought you here. This is the culmination of everything you thought you were working for when you were President of your high school’s National Honor Society, German Club, Breakdancing Club, Future Leaders of America Club, and the “Fuck I Just Want to Get Into a Really Good School Can’t You Fucking Stupid Admission Officers See That Club” (I dedicated most of my time to the F.I.J.W.G.I.R.S.C.Y.F.S.A.O.S.T.C.). And you’ve made it kid – you’re here. However, now that you’ve reached this shining beacon of knowledge, there’s one thing you don’t want to do: work. After a lifetime of pretending to care about learning, you’re just plain out of shits to give. But since you’re here, you may as well do something. Here’s what you probably spend most your time doing at college.