A Comprehensive Guide to Men’s Bathroom Etiquette

There’s a right time and a wrong time to discuss the pee pee shivers.

If you have a Y chromosome and have ever been stricken with the urgent need to urinate in Midway International Airport, then you would probably agree that the state of men’s bathroom etiquette in the United States is alarming.  Even in the 21^st century, urinalgoers and toiletsitters still routinely disregard the fundamental principles of propriety and respect in the bathroom, resulting in a horrifying number of unwanted junk viewings and uncomfortable verbal exchanges.  In a desperate effort to rectify this social epidemic (henceforth referred to as “The Great Discomfort”), we here at Sherman Ave have developed a comprehensive guide to bathroom etiquette.

Part I: When and how did The Great Discomfort originate? 

            Many trace The Great Discomfort back to the New Deal under President Roosevelt in the 1930s.  One agency created was the Public Works Administration, which was responsible for, well, public works, including many public buildings large enough to necessitate large public bathrooms.  We’re not really sure how this developed into today’s current predicament, but we generally like blaming problems on large government programs and bureaucratic expansion, because of the logic.

Part II: Who is responsible for The Great Discomfort?

            Although social scientists, cultural anthropologists, and ethnographers have spent decades discussing the finer nuances of these wiener-displaying culprits, the answer is really pretty simple: Old people.  Indeed, the most gruesome perpetrators of the Great Discomfort are typically old men who trounce through public bathrooms, trying to make small talk and making no attempt to shield your eyes from their wrinkly, wrinkly manbags.  Here are some of the most common characteristics of the old people who will make your bathroom experience more uncomfortable than that time you watched the rock opera Tommy with your estranged uncle:

• AARP membership
• Florida license plate
• Pocketful of Werther’s wrappers
• Copy of “The Greatest Generation” by Tom Brokaw
• Tendency to loudly announce snap judgments about minorities
• A “Thurmond-Wright ‘48” pin on his knapsack

Of course, America’s grave-fillers aren’t the only ones capable of generating bathroom awkwardness.  Other renowned etiquette-violators include well-meaning janitors, pants-dropping children, and gay-bashing senators.

As if it wasn’t bad enough that you had to watch the Cubs piss away another afternoon.

Part III: Where is The Great Discomfort most volatile?

            As you may have guessed, The Great Discomfort is most potent in public environments.  With the exception of those times years ago when your father kicked down the door while you were peeing and fired off two dozen Roman Candles to threaten you into trying out for the football team instead of auditioning for the local productions of Cats, almost all negative bathroom experiences occur in some kind of public setting and stem from other people being heinous.  Even so, some public places seem to attract the uncomfortable bathroom crowd.  Listed below are some of the most notable hotspots for toilet creepers*.

• Baseball games.  Setting aside the crowd of drunken overweight 30-somethings who are still trying to relive their glory days playing 3^rd base for Boise North High School, the urinal troughs create a toxic environment (literally and figuratively) for bathroom-goers seeking peace and quiet.  You’d think that in a society so focused on individual rights, we wouldn’t all have to piss in the same damn basin like a bunch of mangy socialist taintlords.
• Airports.  Just because you aren’t fellating Larry Craig doesn’t mean that you’re home free.  Airport bathrooms are grotesque because they combine the feel of a high-stress environment (businessmen hurrying to their flights, children hurrying to the shitty airport store, pilots hurrying to get moderately intoxicated at the airport bar) with a crowd of people in travel mode (read: That guy who brushes his teeth in the airport bathroom).  The result is a violent collision of cultures, which inevitably translates to – you guessed it – awkwardness in the bathroom.
• Truck Stops.  For a second, we can ignore the fact a truck stop bathroom is dirtier than the International Mud Wrestling Convention held in Mumbai; the discomfort stems only partially from the inherent dirtiness of the bathroom.  What is even deadlier is the clash of the trucker, who traditionally views a truck stop bathroom stall as a 15-minute escape from the endless yellow lines of I-80, and the standard driver or passenger, who views a truck stop bathroom stall as a 20-second sacrifice to avoid a urinary tract infection.

Target practice.

Part IV: How can The Great Discomfort be curbed?

            After hours of pain-staking research and heated discussion, we have deconstructed the problem at hand and divided it into a handful of simple and digestible tips (no pun intended?) on how to avoid flagrant violations of bathroom etiquette.

• Minimize conversation.  There is a time and a place for everything, and the time and place for small talk is at church picnics and Starbuck’s service counters.
• Minimize awkward conversation.  It’s one thing to talk about the weather to a dude while he’s deflating his pelvic panther, but it’s another to ask him about his ailing grandmother.  There is really just a very limited selection of appropriate conversations that can occur between two men holding their porkswords.
• Minimize grunting.  For fuck’s sake, this isn’t a women’s tennis match.  No one wants to be in the bathroom at the same time as the guy whose defecation process is so intense that it necessitates sound effects comparable to Chewbacca being fisted by King Kong.
• Wash your hands.  This shouldn’t require much explanation.  If you just peed in a urinal, then you just touched your glorystick, which means you should wash your hands.  I’m looking at you, hippies.
• Eyes ahead.  There is nothing more awkward than someone peeing at a full row of urinals whilst aggressively staring at the person to his left or right.  I’d rather have the Eye of Sauron watch me empty the steel eel than have the Eye of Creepy Tall German Guy watch me whip it out.  YES, GERMANS.  I’M CALLING YOU OUT.
• Wait to whip.  Among the most atrocious bathroom crimes is the “Early Exposure,” or the act of completely whipping out your dick before even reaching a urinal.  It is incredibly traumatizing to finish a good piss, turn around to wash your hands, and be accosted by a random dude’s shlong.  Seriously, it’s horrifying, unnecessary, and impossible to unsee, much like the movie “Deliverance.”
• Execute Proper Urinal Placement.  This is the trickiest of these tips to master, because there is truly a science behind urinal placement.  Essentially, this is the rule of thumb: Always attempt to leave at least one urinal between yourself and the nearest bathroom-goer.  Above all, don’t be the guy that bypasses an entire row of empty urinals to occupy the urinal adjacent to the only other occupied urinal.  Just don’t do it.  It’s really hurtful and often leads to severe emotional distress.

So, men of the world, take heed.  With proper attention and care, this social crisis can be corrected.  With each drop of golden elixir that you excrete from your bodies, you have the opportunity to be a catalyst for progress.  Never forget that just one person can make a difference, even if it’s something as small as refraining from asking an adjacent bathroom-goer what he thinks of 50 Shades of Grey.

*Yes, Toilet Creepers was the name of my band in high school.  Those days are behind me, despite the fact that our hit single “Snake Jelly on my Fingertips” would have easily gone platinum had it gotten better exposure.
To purchase your very own Mayor Tisdahl Urinal Cake, LIKE OUR FACEBOOK PAGE!!!

Five Objects That Should Be Made “For Her”

I have recently discovered that BiC has been making pens tailored specifically for women. These pink-and-purple innovations, made for ladies’ dainty hands, have enabled women to learn their ABCs, make pretty cursive letters, and even write out recipes. Of course, I can’t wait to get my hands on one, but in the meantime I thought I’d meekly suggest other female-oriented products to make women’s lives easier.

1. Beer and Soda/pop cans

My delicate feminine lips have been having difficulties sipping from the harsh metallic holes on the cans. If the makers of Natty could only market some pink fuzzy lids (floral decorations optional; I don’t ask for much) containing fruity flavors and roofies already mixed in, it would be so much easier to inebriate and “surprise” me.

Ellie K’s best parking job.

2. Doors

I can’t open doors for myself! Not only is it indecent, but my womanly muscles simply cannot muster the strength to turn knobs or push frames. Sometimes when I’m driving with my boyfriend (don’t worry- he’s always behind the wheel), he forgets to open the car door and let me out, and I have to sit there until he finishes eating his Chipotle. If there isn’t a chivalrous young chap around to open the doors to the Bloomingdale’s building, I’m often in such a tizzy that I can’t decide which miniskirt to buy. And don’t even get me started on revolving doors – I can’t figure out how those things work. If we only had doors that opened for women.

3. Washing machines

Wait, never mind. Those are already only for women.

4. Bookshelves

Look, I can’t read or comprehend big words (like all Sherman Ave writers), but I do understand this: I’m too petite to reach the top shelves in the kitchen, rendering them unusable. The bookshelves in our immaculately vacuumed living room are currently occupied by dictionaries, Catcher in the Rye, Shakespeare, and other things that don’t contribute to the enrichment of humanity.  So let’s get rid of those meaningless piles of ink and paper, paint those ugly planks a nice shade of mauve,* and I’ll store the waffle-maker where I don’t have to worry about it falling on my pretty face.

This was the best idea I’ve had all day. This was the only idea I’ve had all day. I really must phone the other ladies in the quilting circle.

5. Colleges

Sometimes having to interact with pre-med students and math majors makes my weensie brain feel justifiably inferior. But I bet if there were more schools like Barnard, we could focus on learning the things that really make the world run, like electric stoves and really good blowjobs. Why can’t I just major in ponies?

You miss 100% of the heinousness you don’t take. – Wayne Gretzky

_______

*Note to men: There are words – supposedly in English – that can only be identified or understood by women. They include mauve, ecru, duvet, lunula, flambé, macramé, purl, and selvedge. If anyone who claims to possess a penis can identify what these words mean, place a spider nearby and see if “he” can kill it on his own. If she cannot, do NOT under any circumstances give her power tools.

Sherman Ave’s Facebook Page is also made “for her.” You should like it.

A line-by-line analysis of Danzel’s “Put Your Hands Up In the Air!”

Hey Wildcat’s! It’s the fourth quarter. It’s time to finish! So let’s put your hands up in the air while we try and figure out what the hell this song is about!

Put your hands up in the air
Put your hands up in the air
Danzel begins his anthem with an imperative. More command than mere request, Wildcat fans are instructed to throw their hands up in the air to start the fourth quarter off right with a communal movement that celebrates the fleeting temporal relationship between a television timeout and the Northwestern secondary’s imminent collapse.

Put your hands up in the air
Put your hands up in the air
A reiteration of Danzel’s requisition, harkening back to the initial invocation presented to fans through the luminous jumbotron specter at Ryan Field. There are only so many permutations with which one can raise one’s hands up in the air, but such trifles are not of concern to men like Danzel or Kain Colter.

16x: Air
Bridging the gap between the transcendent heavens and the solid gridiron where mortals run the spread is air — surrounding us, within us, throughout us — air, the wind modern man has breathed for longer than approximately 3,174.60 NU bowl droughts. Like Pat Fitzgerald, we return to the essence that begot us with arms open wide to the infinite blue beyond.

Put your hands up in the air
Put your hands up in the air
God, I could just do this shit all motherfucking day.

Put your hands up in the air
Put your hands up in the air
Are they flashing WNBA scores up on the scoreboard? Oh wait, that’s just the Indiana final.

Put your hands up in the air
Put your hands up in the air
Danzel utilizes repetition to depict the subtle interplay between the verticality of your limbs and your levels of ampitude. This is a complex relationship that the 20,000 or so Nebraska fans in the stadium will never quite appreciate.

Put your hands up in the air
Put your hands up in the air
Were the rights to Taio Cruz’s “Dynamite” really that expensive?

Yo party people come out sayin’ yeah
Party people come out sayin’ yeah
Danzel rapidly changes perspectives, venturing into the mind of party people. Although a bold display of empathy, I have to admit that when party people normally come out to my ragers, they normally say things like “Oh, you were serious about the Triangle Shirtwaist Factory theme?” or “Man, it’s been such a long time since I’ve drank anything cheaper than Sköl!” Maybe Belgian party people just rage a little… differently than we do here.

Feel the vibe
And it’s gettin’ stronger
After setting up his song with repeated exposition viz a viz our hands in the air, Danzel announces his intention to delve into the atmosphere he and his audience have mutually created, expounding upon the aura, or “vibe,” that his beats have created within Ryan Field.

Feel the vibe
And it’s gettin’ stronger
Taken out of context, this line sounds exactly as stupid and/or sexual as it does within the context of this song.

GET THOSE HANDS UP IN THE MOTHERFUCKING AIR!!!

Party people come out sayin’ yeah
Party people come out sayin’ yeah
If any party people have somehow avoided raising there hands up in the air, now is the time for them to come out like a Freshman during Wildcat Welcome Week.

Party people come out, come out..
yo, Dj turn it on
LET’S GO ROUND TWO!!!

Put your hands up in the air
Put your hands up in the air
Oh God. There are only so many times I can put my hands up in the air… I think my forearms are more sore than Monica Lewinsky’s in the Oval Office. Must. Keep. Getting. Pumped.

Put your hands up in the air
Put your hands up in the air
A bit of biographical information on Danzel. Born “Johan Waem,” the musician broke out of a perpetual cycle of chocolate addiction in the waffle house slums of Antwerp that plagues so many other young Belgians with his deep passion for house, techno, dance music, and getting you PUMPED for the fourth quarter of football games.

Put your hands up in the air
Put your hands up in the air
Surprisingly, this song peaked at Number 6 in the UK Dance Charts in 2005 but never garnered much interest anywhere else. How the hell it became an NU tradition is anyone’s guess.

Put your hands up in the air
Put your hands up in the air
Speaking of which, can something really be a “tradition” if it was instituted less than two years after we elected our current president? Looking at you, March Through the Arch.

[INSTRUMENTAL BREAK]
Danzel takes a quick break from pumping you up, providing ample time for the jumbotron to display pre-meds dancing more awkwardly than Mitt Romney at a RZA show.

Put your hands up in the air
Put your hands up in the air
What Northwestern lacks in terms of facilities, season-ticket holders, or a pass rushing attack, it more than makes up for with its fan base’s threatening ability to raise its hands up in the air for extended periods of time.

Put your hands up in the air
Put your hands up in the air
GET SOME, UNIVERSITY OF SOUTH DAKOTA!!! Yippee ki-yay, motherfuckers.

Put your hands up in the air
Put your hands up in the air
I assume this is also what House Republicans said when they held the government hostage this spring. On an unrelated note: I bet love to see Paul Ryan play running back. The dude makes social welfare cuts quicker than Venric Mark on a kick return.

Put your hands up in the air
Put your hands up in the air
The strength of Danzel’s mantra lies in its specific spatial reference point. The bard is imploring his audience to place their hands — one of the most essential tools of the human body — in the very oxygen we breathe, interweaving the supple protoplasm of man with the zephyrous troposphere that sustains us.

[FADEOUT]
Wildcat fans are led to believe that Danzel’s jam will continue ad nauseam, a never ending ode to the power of triumphantly raising one’s hands in the air into perpetuity in order to raise stokeage levels at Ryan Field to near illegal levels in Evanston.

For more hard-hitting analysis, LIKE OUR FACEBOOK PAGE!

Little Victories: Small Things That Help Improve Your Mood

We all have bad days. Maybe you just wake up on the wrong side of the bed. Maybe your orgo midterm grade came back. Maybe you found out that the Theta girl you had over last night watched a little too much Twilight in high school and wake up to find that your neck matches Northwestern’s new uniform color. Or maybe that guy you told to call you maybe didn’t call you…MAYBE. Regardless of the reasons, we will all have bad days, but there are several tiny things that can help make those bad days better – or maybe even turn those days around completely.

1. Putting on Warm Underwear

The South will rise again!

Let’s be honest here: there are few things better than the sudden warming of your nether-regions that comes after slipping on underwear just out of the dryer. Though the feeling is short-lived, I imagine it’s the same feeling female gymnast have after winning their medals – excited, jubilant, and a little depressed knowing things only go downhill from there.  I’d even go as far as saying that putting on warm underwear is one of the best things that can happen to anyone’s junk (man junk and lady junk) without another person involved (placing it around the 2057^th best thing that can happen to someone’s junk overall). When you put on warm underwear, you feel like you can take on the world – and you would too if only you could get yourself to put on the rest of your clothes and stop moaning in the middle of the Laundromat.

2. Discovering New Meme Websites

This is a personal bright spot for me. In my personal opinion, discovering a new source for your favorite type of meme – whether they be Olympic-themed, celebrity-themed, or little-face Mitt Romney-themed (look them up, seriously…seriously…srysly), discovering a new meme site can brighten up any boring day. Let me save you a little time. Did you know there’s a website dedicated to Animals Talking in All Caps? Really. It’s a thing. Here it is: http://animalstalkinginallcaps.tumblr.com/.

However, if for some odd reason animals talking in all caps is not your thing, there’s bound to be a meme site for you out there for you to waste hours upon hours of your day staring at, forgetting that you just bombed your last test because you spent the entire day prior to the test staring at a new meme site.

3. When workers at Starbucks spell your name right

I had no idea “Omar” had so different spellings.

It’s the bane of any non-Anglo-Saxon person’s existence. No, I’m not talking about racism, intolerance, or even Paul Ryan, no – I’m talking about the barista’s at Starbucks. Yes, those illiterate bastards are probably the worst thing to happen to anyone of foreign descent since colonization (As a person of German, British, France, Austrian, and Russian descent, I am still deeply, deeply sorry about that one. We really fucked up. No, you still can’t have complete control of your economies yet – but I’m still sorry). It’s amazing to see how anyone who managed to successfully fill out a job application can misspell a four letter name so badly.

However, these horrible failures do have one up-side: the feeling of delight you have when someone finally spells your name right. The day that you received your Frappuccino with your name spelled without three extra Y’s, a J, and a dollar sign is likely one of the best days you’ve had in recent memory and this occurring again could probably turn any bad day into a pretty good one.

4. Fat Kids

Just look at this funny bastard. Manua circa 2007

I know we may disagree on the meme thing, but I think we can all agree on one thing: fat kids are hilarious. Like, is there anything funnier than a fat kid doing things wrong? As a former fat kid, I know – we’re just a hilarious bunch. So whenever you’re having a hard time, just look up videos of fat kids struggling and you’ll replace your normal sadness with happiness and guilt.

5. Finding out that people you dislike got ugly

Does this really need explanation? Think of someone you hate. Now, imagine one day you saw this person and you noticed that he or she had put on 30 pounds and lost their front tooth. You’re welcome. If you’re ever fortunate enough to have this happen in real life, take a picture and frame it. It will basically be like taking an anti-depressant except without the risk of Nausea, Insomnia, Anxiety, Restlessness, Decreased sex drive, Dizziness, Weight gain, Tremors, Sweating, Sleepiness or fatigue, Dry mouth, Diarrhea, Constipation, Headaches, Worsened Depression, or Desire to Commit Suicide (real list of side effects. It’s probably best to find people you dislike that got ugly or look up pictures of fat kids).

6. Coming Back to School

DEAR GOD THERE WOULD NOT BE ANYTHING BETTER THAN SCHOOL STARTING! WHY ARE WE ON THE QUARTER SYSTEM? WHY IS EVERYONE GONE? WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH MYSELF? DID YOU KNOW THAT THERE ARE 24 HOURS IN EVERY DAY? 24 LONELY, SAD HOURS? LET SCHOOL START AGAIN! I DON’T WANT TO PICK UP A NEW HOBBY AND I’VE WATCHED EVERY EPISODE OF EVEN STEVENS TWICE!!! MAKE IT END!!!!

For more small things to help you improve your mood that don’t rhyme with “shmucksaw,” LIKE OUR FACEBOOK PAGE!

Other Great Stripping Games Invented by British Royalty

What happens in Vegas shames your family name worldwide

Respectable news sources and TMZ were spinning today as pictures surfaced of Prince Harry, third heir to the throne of England and pompous ass-clown, playing “strip billiards” with a bunch of naked girls in Las Vegas.  While the world attempts to recover from the most aggressive display of royal ginger nakedness since Queen Elizabeth I celebrated her victory over the Spanish Armada in 1588, we’d like to take a look back at history and reflect on some of the best stripping games created in the British royal line.

Strip Marriage (invented by Henry VIII)

King Henry VIII’s affinity for whipping it out was so intense that even Showtime’s “The Tudors” doesn’t have the stomach to accurately portray it.  When he was wed to Catherine of Aragon in 1503, he was wearing nothing but a doublet and a codpiece!  However, it wasn’t until his marriage to Jane Seymour in 1536 that he decided to strip during the marriage ceremony itself, and by the time he married Catherine Parr in 1543, he wore four tunics to the wedding so he’d have four tunics to suggestively rip from his corpulent body.

Richard I, shortly after administering a high-velocity cockslap to Saladin.

Strip Crusades (invented by Richard I)

Richard the Lion-Heart (who, as few people know, was also referred to as Richard the Rhinoceros-Shaft) was remembered for his valiant fighting in the Third Crusade.  However, there is an explicably forgotten aspect of his glorious gallivanting – his tendency to charge into battle while ripping off his clothing and armor.  In fact, some historians postulate that the scarring image of Richard’s flopping dong on horseback is largely responsible for the conservative nature of modern-day Islamic garb.

Strip Taxation (invented by George III)

Many look back on America’s independence as an event catalyzed largely by King George III’s merciless tax policies toward the American colonies.  While there is considerable truth to that statement, history seems to have forgotten another central cause: the colonists’ absolute disgust with George’s genitalia.  In 1768, the king commissioned his favorite artist to paint 1,500 portraits of his wrinkly British scrotum and have one placed in the city hall of every American colonial town.  This greatly displeased the colonists, leading them to revolt against the British under the memorable slogan, “No taxation without taking down the dick pics.”

A rare picture of King George VI, showing him fully clothed and not inappropriately touching himself

Strip Stuttering (invented by George VI)

King George VI, made famous recently in the Oscar-winning movie The King’s Speech, is remembered as being the only king with a serious speech impediment – at least since the reign of King Thtephen in the 12^th century.  What Director Tom Hooper omitted, however, was King George’s tendency to rip off his pants and wave his dick around any time he became frustrated with his speech impediment.  As legend has it, he became especially fond of this tactic during World War II, reportedly making a point of cupping his nuts every time he mentioned the word’s “Hitler,” “Nazis,” or “victory.”

Can’t get enough of those naked British royals?  Like our Facebook page!

The Official RNC 2012 Drinking Game

Convention season is upon us! With the Republican convention scheduled to start on Monday, August 27, Tuesday, August 28, and the Democrats to follow the next week,  it’s time to figure out how exactly we can get through these quadrennial public meltdowns of our political climate.

It appears that there are three options: 1) become exceedingly intoxicated, 2) properly hydrate, or 3) pray for Paul Ryan’s abs to make an appearance. Here at The Ave, we’ve got you covered on all fronts! Our Official RNC 2012 Drinking Game, if played with an alcoholic beverage, will probably get you ham faced. If played with water or a sports drink, you will find yourself in a healthy state of hydration. And if played properly, you should be hoping for a shirtless Paul Ryan at all turns.

So cuddle up in your Red Room of Pain, turn on the TV, grab a beverage and begin openly weeping:

“Ha! Ha! Gaze over yonder, there appears to be an impoverished fellow!”

1) Any time a Republican claims that they or someone “DID build” something, take a sip.

2) Any time a simple Google search shows that the government aided in the building of that thing, take another sip.

3) If Donald Trump “fires” an Obama impersonator, refuse to drink because Donald Trump is a racist and we wouldn’t want our brains to form an association between racism and alcohol.

4) Any time you imagine Chris Christie shirtless, chug your drink.

5) To actually get drunk, any time you imagine Paul Ryan shirtless, take a sip and excuse yourself to your room for two and a half minutes.

6) Any time you get five in a row on the Sherman Ave GOP Buzzword Bingo Board below, drink half of your drink. Make sure to make use of the Taxpayer Subsidized Free Spot specially earmarked for your belligerence.

Sherman Ave GOP Buzzword Bingo Board

7) If any speaker says “funemployed,” shotgun your drink.

8) If Todd Akin appears, throw your drink at the TV and get a new one.

9) If you make it through Tim Pawlenty’s speech without falling asleep, take a celebratory shot.

10) If the commentators point out that Artur Davis was a co-chair on Obama’s 2008 campaign, take a sip. If they fail to point this out an appropriate time, chug your drink.

11) If any speaker criticizes Obama for his handling of the bin Laden raid, drink half of your drink.

If the audience stages a mass Newsweek burning, chug.

12) For every fifth time the word “taxes” is mentioned, take a sip (see the Taxometer™ below).
The Sherman Ave Taxometer™: Check every time “tax” is said: __ __ __ __ __      __ __ __ __ __     __ __ __ __ __      __ __ __ __ __     __ __ __ __ __      __ __ __ __ __     __ __ __ __ __      __ __ __ __ __     __ __ __ __ __      __ __ __ __ __     __ __ __ __ __      __ __ __ __ __     __ __ __ __ __      __ __ __ __ __     __ __ __ __ __      __ __ __ __ __     __ __ __ __ __      __ __ __ __ __     __ __ __ __ __      __ __ __ __ __

13) If the convention is delayed by Hurricane Isaac, take a sip every time Pat Robertson could be mentioned but is not. If the entire convention is canceled, buy a case of High Life, drink it all, and save the tops to return for their donation to the vets.

UPDATE: The convention has been delayed until Tuesday, and I’ve only heard one Pat Robertson joke so far. Waterfall, ya’ll!

——————————————————————————————————————————–

To stay updated when we release our Official DNC 2012 Drinking Game, check out our Facebook Page.

10 Gaffes Worse Than Todd Akin’s “Legitimate Rape” Comments

I’ve never met Todd Akin, but from listening to him speak in a seven second clip I’m going to go ahead and say that he’s a bad, bad, bad, bad person:

What you may be surprised to find out, however, is that Akin’s “legitimate rape” interview was far from the largest gaffe in American history. In fact, there have been at least ten worse statements by prominent politicians over the years:

10) George W. Bush: “Of course I don’t care about black people.”

After Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans in 2005, the Bush administration’s slow response was ridiculed by many prominent public figures and minority advocates. Also Kanye West. Ye thought that a telethon for the victims of the disaster would be the perfect time to point out that he believed that George Bush didn’t care about black people.

But the true gaffe was made days later when Bush was asked about the accusation in an interview. “Of course I don’t care about black people,” he said. “They’re different from me, ya know? And they never even vote for me. This can’t be, like, a surprise, right?” The interview set off a firestorm among the liberal media with their liberal agenda and liberal viewpoints who somehow interpreted the comments to mean that President Bush had intentionally crafted policies that failed to help the African American community.

9) John Hancock: “I thought that whole Declaration bit was a right good joke we were all having at his Majesty’s expense.”

His biopic was slammed for historical inaccuracies.

When John Hancock signed his name to the Declaration of Independence, he remarked to the room that he had signed it big enough for old King George to read it without having to put his glasses on. They all had a nice laugh. Except, Hancock apparently was confused about the entire stituation, believing his statement to be just a smaller joke in a larger prank about declaring independence from the world’s most powerful empire.

The gaffe came years later as Hancock was being billed for a presidential run. His place as a Declaration-signer made him one of the top candidates of 1806 when he sat down for an interview with People magazine.

“Well I certainly never thought I’d be here,” Hancock said. “I remember when Tom and George were first talking about declaring independence and we all had a laugh about the idea then went off to take some land away from Indians so that we could create West Virginia. That worked out, huh? Anyway, I thought that whole Declaration bit was a right good joke we were all having at his Majesty’s expense. Never in a million years thought we’d revolt. After all, we were paying absurdly low tax rates compared to other colonies and we had extraordinary new religious and cultural freedoms. It was just a bunch of whiny bitches who started the whole thing, tbh.”

8) Thomas Jefferson: “I did not have sexual relations with that woman.”

Their sex tape nearly won an Oscar.

When Thomas Jefferson’s wife Martha confronted him about a half-black slave child living on their plantation who kept writing lengthy Constitutions to govern the land, Jefferson famously declared that “I did not have sexual relations with that woman. Not once have I sent for Sally Hemmings to come to our bedroom while you were out and made sweet, sweet love to her in our marriage bed.”

Moments later, Martha brought Sally Hemmings into the room who quickly announced that if Mr. Jefferson was going to ask for more of the sexi timez, he would have to acknowledge the children he had fathered with her from their many, many instances of intercourse. Jefferson was immediately impeached by the House of Representatives.

7) Joe Biden: “I only took the job assuming Obama would be dead by now.”

Joe Biden has made a career out of gaffes, but when Barbara Walters asked him if ever thought about running for president in 2016, Biden sent shockwaves across the Beltway. “Obviously, I only took the job assuming Obama would be dead by now,” he responded. “The odds of the guy surviving this far are gastrointestinal. There’s terrorists and racists and have you seen Contagion? Good God, the odds that any of us are alive. So anyway, yes I fully expected to be President by now.”
Obama took the gaffe in stride, instructing his staff to hold Biden down and give him forty-four lashes, as is the standard procedure in the White House.

6) Herman Cain: “We should institute my 9-9-9 plan.”

Herman Cain once ran for President. He once led the Republican field. And then he unveiled his platform. “We should institute my 9-9-9 plan,” Cain said. “It would b a good idea.”

Cain’s lead immediately vanished as voters realized that he truly believed in the idea of a 9% income tax, a 9% national sales tax and a 9% business transaction tax. Then ladies said he groped all up on them. But mostly it was the whole 9-9-9 deal.

5) Ronald Reagan: “The orgies have really livened up my meetings with the Joint Chiefs of Staff.”

Sometimes, after an orgy, I think to myself, “That was SO Reagan.” Other times, I’m like, “That was not very Reagan.”

Ronald Reagan’s distinction as a symbol of cultural conservatism and a return to family values collapsed in 1986 when he let slip in an interview that his weekly meetings with the Joint Chiefs of Staff were actually excuses for lengthy orgies. “The orgies have really livened up my meetings with the Joint Chiefs of Staff,” the septuagenarian Republican admitted. “Before it was all, ‘The Soviets have missiles located in yada yada yada.’ Now it’s much more about who’s receiving my missile.”

The nation was of course heartbroken when Nancy Reagan immediately died of  massive cardiac arrest as she sat next to her husband during the interview.

4) Abraham Lincoln: “Let’s make all the Southerners slaves. You know, for the economy’s sake.”

Much of Abraham Lincoln’s life and legacy were defined by his heroic crusade to save the Union and end American slavery. More of his legacy, however, was defined by his stunning plan to force all white Southerners to be slaves in the aftermath of the Civil War.

“As our friends in Virginia have pointed out, slaves were an integral part of our economy,” Lincoln said in his 1866 State of the Union address. “So let’s make all the Southerners slaves. You know, for the economy’s sake. Someone’s gotta work the fields, amirite??” And so it was that the Second Civil War began.

3) John F. Kennedy: “I had nothing to do with that Cuban Missile business, that was all Bobby. I was too busy stickin’ it to Marilyn Monroe in the Oval Office, which is all I ever do even though I have a gorgeous and intelligent wife.”

To be fair to John Kennedy, this gaffe was never intended for public consumption. Kennedy believed he was writing his thrice-daily letter to his mother updating her on his activities, when he accidentally wrote the address for the Republican National Committee instead.

The GOP went public with the letter days letter, including this sensational tidbit: “This job is really easy, as long as I just spend all my time making smooshy with anything that moves. I mean, I had nothing to do with that Cuban Missile business, that was all Bobby. I was too busy stickin’ it to Marilyn Monroe in the Oval Office, which is all I ever do even though I have a gorgeous and intelligent wife.”

Public reaction to the leaked letter was mixed, with approximately half of the country calling for his public assassination in Dallas, and the other half swooning over his good looks and Boston accent.

2) Kathleen Sebelius: “It’s not really a death panel if it’s just me.”

As Sarah Palin and other Republicans took aim at health care reform in 2009 over what they perceived to be “death panels,” Health and Human Services Secretary Sebelius attempted to allay the concerns by declaring there would be no death panels.

Scandal hit, however, when she followed the declaration with, “It’s not really a death panel if it’s just me. It’s more off a Death Chairwoman. Or a Death Dictator. But yes, the bottom line is I will arbitrarily be killing six seniors a day.” Following the comments, Rush Limbaugh ate Sebelius alive on the radio in a widely derided publicity stunt.

1) Franklin Roosevelt: “Let’s settle the war with a footrace: me against Hitler.”

A traitor to his class? Sure. A quitter? Never.

Likely the worst gaffe of all time, Roosevelt’s challenge of a race to decide the war nearly doomed humanity.

It was during one of Roosevelt’s famous fireside chats in 1941 that he accidentally blurted out, “Let’s settle the war with a  footrace: me against Hitler… I used to be quite the runner, mind you, so I think I can show that fatass Fuhrer a thing or tw- Oh fuck. Shit shit shit no fuck no shit fuck ass face no fuck shit hell dammit fuck.”

Fortunately, in the pre-Twitter.com era, the White House was able to quietly bribe the entire nation never to mention it again, and those who refused to accept the bribe were casually shipped off to internment camps.

———————————————————————————————————————————

For more fun laughing times, like our Facebook Pagina.

Sherman Ave Freshman Guide: How to Attend Class

In the vast reaches of time preceding your arrival to Northwestern Heinousversity, your mind is probably racing with questions.  What is it like living in a dorm?  How will the food be?  How long is it appropriate to know someone before showing him or her my third nipple?   What about my fourth one?   With so many concerns about adapting to the college lifestyle, you may be forgetting about one minor detail of attending Northwestern: the classes.  But don’t worry – we are here to answer your questions about how to effectively have the learning times.

An Open Letter to the Female Body

Dear Female Body,

First of all, I’d like to start things off by saying that I think you’re great. I know it’s been an awful long time since you last encountered me fumbling about you, but just so you know, I’m plumb crazy about you.

Thirteen-year-old me would totally hit that.

Now, ever since the 5th grade I’ve thought that a woman’s body was a marvelous thing to behold. A veritable chalice of perfection, the female form captured my imagination with its gentle slopes and lush form. Also: boobies.

Needless to say, I have been enraptured by your feminine mystique and sexual reproductive system for quite some time now. Yet I never understood until recently how fucking awesome you really are.

You see, a bunch of experts unearthed some real sciencey facts about the uterus that just totally blew my fucking mind. No, I’m not talking about menstruation, although I’m still a bit iffy about how you line that shit up with the lunar phases.

Apparently, after much scientific inquiry and consultation with the world’s leading medical experts, Rep. Todd Akin discovered something amazing about you:

“First of all, from what I understand from doctors [pregnancy from rape] is really rare. If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down.”

Holy shit! And this guy’s on the House Committee on Science, Space, and Technology, so this nerd must know his science facts. I mean, I kind of figured that House Republicans were the world’s foremost experts on the cooch, considering how frequently they enter ones that don’t belong to their wives. Why else would the GOP try to legislate the female body so heavily if they didn’t already know what was best for you?

But please be square with me, female body. When were you going to tell me about this awesome power of yours? And anyways, if you’ve had this ability to pick and choose with your cervix or whatever the hell is down there what counts as, like, legitski’s rape and what’s just a fuzzy jungle-juice induced night, why in God’s name would you lie about those roughly 32,000 annual pregnancies that you just claimed were the result of rape? Did you really think we were that stupid?

Like, how does this power of yours even work? Rep. Akin was a little unclear on the details. Is it like Teeth, were you can suddenly spring a pair of pearly whites on any unwanted penis that comes within a yard of your lady parts? Because a skill like that would certainly shut any motherfucker down.

Forcible rape? No no no bro, this was just a panty raid gone horribly awry.

Or maybe it’s like Star Wars, where fallopian tubes are really like Admiral Ackbar in Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi, sending out X-Wing Fighters to target the rape-induced pregnancy’s one weakness and blow the whole thing to hell.

What’s this, female body? You’ve never seen Star Wars? You’ve got to be kidding me.

Alright then, since when did you even become so judicious, female body? What about that one dude in college who’s still dating his high school-aged girlfriend, regardless of things like “geographical distance” and “statutory rape laws?” How do you know whether he’s, like, rape-raping her, or just, you know legal-age-of-consent-raping her. Since when were you able to act with precise biochemical certainty on legal vagaries like Romeo and Juliet laws?

And what if you’ve been roofied by some dude during Spring Break, like one in four of the unlucky college women who are victims of rape or attempted rape? Are your labia able to identify, and then shut down, the impending rape as “legitimate” even while skeletal muscle relaxant courses through your blood?

Just wondering.

Okay, I’ll stop pestering you about this. Like a magician, you don’t have to detail exactly how your wonderful feminine form defends its turf from legit rape as if the cervix is the DMZ or the Baltimore Ravens’ secondary or something.

Until we meet again, female body. Which, let’s be honest, probably won’t be anytime soon now that any prurient inclination of mine has been scared shitless of your awe-inspiring security system.

Sincerely,
Evander Jones

p.s. Sorry, just one last question for you, oh beautiful female form. Where, exactly, is this clitoris you speak so highly of?

Meet Northwestern’s New Director of Sustainability

The man below is Rob Whittier.

Dude’s hotter than a melting iceberg.

Not only a beautiful specimen of a man, Rob “Gorgeous as Fuck” Whittier is also hellbent on making this campus as green as possible, no matter how many empty cans of Busch Light he has to recycle with those rippling muscles or carbons he has to neutralize with that stunning smile.

Now, we could have put in the time and effort to write up an article detailing his sexxxy exploits reducing Northwestern’s energy consumption and whatnot, but it was much easier and enjoyable to just meme his ass during our lunch break.

Like my love for you, plastics are forever

Or by hemp-scented candlelight.

And then I’d like to bag you.

Courtesy of Gwyneth Effingmouth

Another G-Eff’s masterpiece

I feel so safe in your arms. And in your carbon-neutral house.

Many thanks to Simba Ng and for the tipoff. Feel free to send all submissions of your own Rob Whittier memes to shermanave1@gmail.com, which shall be promptly displayed on our fancy-shmancy Facebook page.